(sometimes i wonder if he was my soulmate)

i once took a boy on a tour who made my anxiety go away. i don’t know who he was or why he made me feel that way but he reminded me of hunk from voltron and that guy from lilo and stitch and for some reason just being near him made me feel so goddamn happy. it’s so cliche but i felt like a weight had been lifted from me, like the ice-cold shuddery pool of adrenaline and fear that i constantly subconsciously reached out for was just- gone. it was the calmest 35 minutes of my life so far.

that was last summer when i was really bad off, what with sam and the intrusive thoughts and the constant terrifying gnawing of wondering if you’re something bad so it was such a relief to just be able to not feel afraid for half an hour. and i wonder constantly if that’s the only time i’m ever going to feel that, the one and only time in my life when i’ll ever just be happy and i fucking missed it because i was just a tour guide who probably stared too long and looked too happy to see him. it scares me mostly because i could have gone my whole life without the knowledge that there was ever a state of mind that didn’t have terror lurking on it’s edges and i might even have been happier.

but by some trick of the universe i took a boy on a tour once who made my anxiety go away, and now i know that i’m not happy and i might have missed my only chance to be.

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