a love letter to my best friend

how do you explain to someone that you don’t love them?

how do you explain that you do but not the way they want? i don’t know how to make you understand. i would die for you and kill for you and lay myself on the line for you because i lovelovelove you so much it hurts sometimes, but i don’t love you the same way you love me. i want to; oh, i want to. it would be so perfect, like sunlight and warmth and the kind of smiles you can’t keep down, twin suns spinning in perfect synchronicity. but i just. don’t.

it hurts so much. i feel like i’ve trapped you, sometimes. i hate myself for not being the person you want me to be; that person is so much better than i am. my love for you is like a small sun in my chest, burning hot and bright like when you gasp after holding your breath, like something innate and necessary. but it is not the love you want. i am so guilty for that.

there is something missing in me, a space that i cannot fill. i don’t know what goes there.

that is the space where the right kind of love is supposed to be from, i think. i’ve lost it somehow and i don’t know how to repair myself.

i’m sorry.

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